Breaking up is awful. It involves loss, rejection, pain and heart break. There is no nice way to say or hear, "I don't want to be with you anymore."
But after the split is finalized comes the really hard part -- moving on.
It's been several months since my boyfriend and I broke up. I really haven't been able to talk about it too much because it's too sad and painful, even though I chose to end it.
It is difficult to give up someone as wonderful as he is, but it is also hard to be with someone when I know something isn't right, through no one's fault, but just because it isn't.
So, in addition to giving up French fries (for a few weeks, probably), I'm starting the new year with a commitment to moving on, figuring out what went wrong so it doesn't happen again, and making sure we end up with some form of friendship.
I figure this resolution will keep me busy for the whole year, because I'm not exactly sure the best way to move on. It would be nice and easy to just let time take care of things, but time only dulls the pain or confusion, it doesn't fix it.
Sometimes it feels like I cannot move on with so many reminders around me. There are the countless pictures that can be tucked away, but which seem to pop up now and again. There are the songs on the radio, the places I go that we used to go to together, the gifts he gave me that I still use or wear. I feel weird when I put on the earrings or throw on one of his sweaters.
But the hardest reminders are the living ones, the people we have in common. My family loves him, and they still ask about him, which can be tough.
It also doesn't help that he is one of my brother's closest friends. I never wanted our relationship to come in between their friendship, and I'm still hoping it doesn't.
Not only do we share friends, but I became attached to his family. It would be selfish and unfair for me to try to maintain that connection though, so I'm trying not to.
It seems silly to have to divide up friends like they are belongings, but it is necessary. I don't want to miss out on my friends and I don't want him to miss out on his.
The friends that came with a relationship often have to go with a break up, because there has to be some distance, without the influences of people that know you as a couple, who may hold you back and perhaps let him know when you start dating again.
As my friend Elle says, breaking up is really breaking up with a way of life.
I've been through it before, and usually it works to pull back from the mutual friendships until the aftershocks have gone and we've gotten over it.
The real challenge isn't turning off the radio when "our" song comes on or stepping back from some social situations, the real challenge is keeping an ex in my life in another form. When I love someone, even if it doesn't work out, I don't want to lose his friendship forever.
I am really good friends with one of my exes, who I dated for two years. But it took many years of distance and a gradual reacquainting to get to the friendship point. Now I find our relationship more fulfilling than it was when we were actually dating.
But there are others who I'll probably never see again, some for good reasons, others because that's just how it is.
The thing is, keeping someone in my life takes work. I wanted our relationship to work, but I wasn't happy anymore. And now I can either go on without him or figure out how to move on by myself and help transition into something worthwhile with him later.
Alex was one of my best friends, but there is no way to ensure I'll ever have that friendship again, and that is what makes me most sad.
I'm not sure he even reads this column anymore, but I hope he already knows how much he means to me, even if we're not together. I may be moving on, but I'm not forgetting what we had, never will.
Now, about those French fries...
E-mail 
2004 LifeFiles Column Archive