Dear DoubleTake,I worked for two years a guy whose marriage was known to be on the rocks. I am 22, he is 31 and has a child with his wife.We started seeing each other six months ago. When it came out, his wife got physically abusive with both of us, and I now have court orders against her.He moved out recently, and we are still seeing each other and working together.I love him, I do, but there is so much history and I don't know if that's a good thing. I don't really know him, I suppose, because there has just been so much drama.It's so good when it's good, but the lowest point when it's not. I don’t know if I should stay with him. He is so emotionally drained that we never talk about anything too serious. Is there any hope?
BETTY SAYS:There's been so much drama that it's completely taken over your love life and your own personal soap opera has begun.
A couple things that stand out in your letter seem to outline the solution -- you love but don't really know your man, his wife is abusive and he's exhausted.
Give this relationship a rest. If it's meant to be, then things will out right once he's divorced -- if that's in his plans. Let your man work through his family situation for a while without any added frustrations.
If you decide to date him again when tensions have eased, spend a day away from the distractions and really listen to each other. Ask him all of your burning questions. Then, ask yourself if the connection feels serious enough to keep going.
Finally, rid yourself of unneeded drama as much as possible. You can't go back and erase history, but it's easy to fall into old patterns with all the frenemies and villains in the real world. Keep your cool if you do run into his wife, say, at a court appearance.
EDDIE SAYS:You illustrate a problem that way too many people have: You believe that just because you have a brief, bad relationship, you have some obligation to stay with that person.
Not to discount your emotions, but what you call love is probably just an attraction. You know that love is rare, so you want to hold on to what you think is love. It's not. You admit you don't know him well. You have some sort of connection, and that can be something to build on and even call love at first. But when time passes and not much gets better and you realize you're actually in a really bad situation, the right thing to do for yourself is get out, rather than hang on to what you thought you had.
Remember whatever good times you had, make funny stories out of the bad times -- but remember that they were, in fact, bad -- and find yourself someone else with whom you can make things work.
